Ever since the birth of Sweet Em I have been working on getting myself back. I came home from the hospital encouraged that I knew what expectations were healthy for my body-especially seeing how long it takes for the softness to dissipate naturally. With The Toddler I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight in six weeks. I was soft and in no way back to my normal-looking self- BUT I fit into all of my clothes. I had to pump with The Toddler because of various latch issues(more on that another day) and felt like a failure-basically still do. So with Em? She latched and I was successfully breastfeeding right from the start.
Breastfeeding helps lose weight right?!?
Not for me.
In fact nothing has worked for me. I am the same weight I was from when I left the hospital with Em eleven months and two days ago.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not thrilled with this stat nor am I proud of that fact but it is a fact no less. If anything I try to be as transparent as I can on this blog when it comes to me personally. So as embarrassing as it is, that’s my life.
I am a former athlete and know everything I need to do to get back into shape. Truly.
I workout 5-6 days a week and eat 1250-1500 healthy calories to which I track religiously. I drink an insane amount of water each day- INSANE. I have never tracked calories until this stalemate occurred. Around three months postpartum I started to track what I ate. Back then I allowed myself to eat more calories to make sure that I had an adequate milk supply- 1750-2000 calories. I am happy to say that I never had a problem with a lack of milk. I even tried eating more for two weeks with the notion that my body was going through starvation mode with breastfeeding and instead gained ten pounds. TEN.
SO THOROUGHLY FRUSTRATED I trudged on. Everyone I talked to said that it takes longer with the second baby. I agreed but KNEW that it couldn’t be this hard. It was not physically possible to put in all of this work and care and to not get anywhere. I was convinced that I had a thyroid problem. And one of my best friend’s(soon to be Nurse Practitioner agreed-should have listened to you Nikki).
When I offered this diagnosis people scoffed at the idea. Perhaps they thought I wasn’t working out or eating healthy? A doctor actually laughed at me and told me to lay off the pizza. Humiliating doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling.
Months pressed on. The workouts continued- the eating healthy continued-AND the water drinking continued. Nothing changed.
It wasn’t until there was a lump the size of my toddler’s fist protruding from my neck that I decided to seek help. I look LOVELY people.
So at ten months postpartum with only the support of my husband I decided to seek medical help.
The specialist immediately agreed that I have hypothyroidism. She brought in back up to the office and started to discuss the very real possibility of surgery to remove the massive lump on my throat. She asked three times if thyroid cancer ran in my family.
THREE TIMES.
As I sat there wracking my brain I told her of all of the cancer’s that do run in our family but that thyroid cancer was not one of them.
She immediately sent me to get an ultrasound on the mass that afternoon and I have the longest list of blood tests to complete on Monday morning.
I collapsed in tears when she told me that no matter what happens that WE will figure it out. That WE will make sure that my body is healthy again.
It was so reassuring to know that I wasn’t crazy. That there is a reason as to why I am still 40 lbs heavier.
I am beyond terrified of my new reality. We are thousands of miles away from family and our support system. Surgery- Cancer-Treatment- Daunting. I am the sole caretaker of the two cutest(biased a bit?) kids. I can’t get sick. I can’t have surgery. I can’t have cancer.
I can’t deal with my new reality.
But it is my reality.
I wrote this days before my appointment and posted it while covered in tears.
I don’t know if I can handle all of this.
An answer is better than not knowing. Even if it’s not the answer I want.
